If Not Now, When?

“If not now, when.”

This is part of a quote from Rabbi Hillel in Pirke Avot, a compilation of sayings from sages from around the year 0.

This is what I thought of this morning as I lamented the fact that while my father was dying in the hospital for 3 months I didn’t record my thoughts daily. Yes, it was an intensely draining experience, but I was learning and feeling so much and I wanted to try to capture it and tell it in story and lesson form to friends and strangers who might be helped by it.

This is stuff like…..fuck I really can’t even remember right now and it’s not the point of this post. In general we’re talking things like simple acts of kindness that were beyond moving. Or the way people are so unbearably bad at dealing with death. Or the way I tried to get closer to my father and say everything that needed to be said despite the fact that his brain was riddled with cancer and he couldn’t really talk.

And that’s the point. I knew I was having extremely unique and possibly once in a lifetime observations, I was coming to conclusions, seeing things for what they really were, gaining incredible insights that helped me grow and that I would love to impart. But it was such a whirlwind and I didn’t have the energy to write. I figured at the end of the saga I would remember and write everything that I saw and felt.